On any given NFL weekend, many different players score touchdowns. Most of them are frequently started on fantasy football rosters. But others come out of nowhere to vulture touchdowns or beat a third-string cornerback repeatedly for a career-day. In fantasy, these are our That Helps No One champions. The players whose success leads to the imminent demise of countless fantasy teams. All season long, we'll be tracking and crowning a That Helps No One winner each week on NFL Fantasy LIVE. Below are the top candidates for Week 14.
John Conner, FB, New York Jets
We'll start out with Conner, who is actually not the leader of the Resistance battling Terminators that you might be more familiar with (I double checked). Darn. His teammates do refer to him as "the Terminator" though, because of his name and ferocious blocking style. Quick aside: I can already feel the the heat from the flames building in the comments so yes I know John Connor from the film is spelled with an "o" and yes, John Conner's nickname with the Jets doesn't make much sense because John Connor fought the Terminators and wasn't one as the Jets are implying. But they're football players, not film snobs, so we'll let it slide. What was I talking about? Oh, right, this touchdown pass from Geno Smith to Conner that helped absolutely no one in fantasy. The Jets don't typically help many people in fantasy, but I'm sure plenty of owners started Chris Ivory in the flex because, you know, Titans.
Ah, Bengals. You just couldn't resist, could you? After giving Jeremy Hill owners an early Christmas gift, rather than spread the joy to Giovani Bernard or A.J. Green owners, you saw fit to give the ball to Burkhead near the goal line. I couldn't sleep last night, wondering why Marvin Lewis would do this? After a bit of research, I think I figured it out. See, the Bengals were way up on the Browns, led by Johnny Manziel, who grew up in Tyler, Texas. After Lewis' much-publicized trolling of Manziel earlier in the week, he needed a subtler way to stick it to the Browns quarterback. So he gave the ball to Burkhead, who is from Plano, Texas, only 108 miles away from Tyler. Clearly this was why Lewis chose this play and I'm definitely not grasping at straws here.
Chris Polk and I are now enemies. Let me explain. He seems like a stand up guy and a good football player, but I had LeSean McCoy starting in my dynasty league, only needing a handful of points to help build a cushion so I could beat one of my bosses here at NFL Media and advance to the championship. Thanks to Polk, I'm now leading by the thinnest of margins, while my opponent (and boss) has Martellus Bennett going tonight against a Saints defense that couldn't stop Football Baby from tipping over. Although I suppose I could blame Jordy Nelson, who is also on my team. Speaking of ...
I think I was more shocked at Nelson dropping this picture perfect pass from Aaron Rodgers than I was at the ending of "The Sixth Sense" or (insert surprising movie here). Nelson, nor Rodgers for that matter, really didn't do any of their fantasy owners favors with their performance on Sunday. Shame on them.
Don't know who Chris Thompson is? Don't worry, you aren't alone. Thompson was a fifth-round pick by Washington in 2013, and had spent the entire season on the practice squad. With touchdown vulture extraordinaire Roy Helu battling a toe injury the team activated Thompson for their game against the Giants. Naturally, they had to get Thompson a touchdown then, because it just wouldn't be an NFL Sunday without some random Washington running back scoring a touchdown while Alfred Morris owners throw their remote controls across the living room. I'm pretty sure this is now a stipulation written into the contract of any head coach who signs with the franchise. It has to be. There's simply no other explanation.
A year ago, Cotchery had 10 touchdown receptions in one of the flukiest fantasy scoring seasons in recent memory. He finished just outside of the top 30 scoring wide receivers, seeing as his 10 touchdowns came on a grand total of 46 receptions. The reason I've been boring you to death with random stats about an average wideout is to set up for the fact that Cotchery's touchdown catch on Sunday was his first this season. For comparison's sake, he has 40 receptions on the season so far. Cotchery was only owned in 1.2 percent of NFL.com leagues as of last week (an inexplicably high number), so clearly his touchdown helped almost no one.
Jamaal Charles suffered what looked like a pretty bad injury to his leg last week, but amazingly was walking around on the sideline no problem after wards and was playing a week later. However, a blow to the head on Sunday made the Chiefs exercise caution and sit him for much of the second half (since they were in the process of blowing out the Raiders). That led to a Knile Davis touchdown and numerous fantasy playoff losses for the teams who were counting on a big game from Charles.
So who do you think should take home the Week 15 #ThatHelpsNoOne crown? Weigh in on Twitter with #ThatHelpsNoOne and be sure to tune in to NFL Fantasy LIVE (weekdays at 5 p.m. ET on NFL Network) to see who is crowned the Week 15 winner!
-- Follow Alex on Twitter @AlexGelhar.
