Welcome to the Around The NFL End Around, a weekly look back at the world of the National Football League. Dan Hanzus serves as your guide.
It was a good week for ...
1. Jimmy Graham: If Tuesday's blockbuster trade was a zombie apocalypse movie, this was Graham getting airlifted to safety seconds before walkers swarmed the Superdome. Um, sorry Max Unger.
2. Ndamukong Suh: Suh to his agent: "Wait, so I get to move from Detroit to Miami and somebody is going to pay me $60 million guaranteed to do it? Do I have to lose a toe or something? Tyson tattoo my face? There's gotta be a catch."
3. Darrelle Revis: It was a long journey, but Revis finally got his obscene contract. The move now is to buy a serene tropical paradise and annoy everyone by naming it Darrelle Island.
It was a bad week for ...
1. Rex Ryan: So, let's get this straight: Rex gets fired, and then the Jets spend tens of millions to rebuild the secondary with golden pupil Revis? That is ice cold.
2. Bears fans: General manager Ryan Pace, who inherited the sins of a prior regime, committed to Cutler as the team's quarterback for 2015 ... and probably 2016, too. You could hear the anguished cries of Chicago denizens from space.
3. The Raiders: All this money to spend with nobody to take it. This is one of the many, many downsides of losing 136 games over 12 years.
What The What?
After Patrick Willis was serenaded on Twitter for his classy farewell to the Niners (deserved, by the way), I jokingly tweeted that I was looking forward to the first classless retirement speech. Not 24 hours later, Cortland Finnegan dropped this goodbye to the game.
Finnegan's caption read: "Spent 9 years doing something I Loved and it has payed off in so many ways.. To say I have been blessed is an understatement I am forever thankful.. I have made my share of mistakes and had moments of glory. I even got into a fight in an NFL Game ( he hits like a bish). I'm thankful for the friends I made on and off the field love yAll.. Time to move on and enjoy new people new places and new ideas.. I forgot to thank all the haters I love yAll to."
I'm not saying I motivated Finnegan to inappropriately hang skyscraper shade on Andre Johnson in this spot, I'm just saying it's at least possible I did.
Tweet of the week
Brees told NFL Media's Alex Flanagan he was as "shocked as everyone else" when Graham was traded to the Seahawks. Who's buying that even a little bit? If I say more, I will be cattle-prodded back to my server job at TGI Friday's in 2000.
Jadeveon Clowney is the Rain King
This time last year, Clowney was on top of the world. A college hero, combine wonder and soon-to-be No. 1 overall pick in the NFL draft. Since then there's been a hernia surgery, concussion and two knee surgeries that have put his career in jeopardy. And now this ...
SportsRadio 610 has learned that Clowney was bitten by teammate D.J. Swearinger's pit bull last week. Police records obtained describe a bite to Clowney's right arm that sent him to a Pearland emergency room. The incident occurred in the early morning of March 4th.
Swearinger took to Twitter in defend his ... dog? I dunno:
JungleBoi_Swagg. That's awesome. Anyway, Clowney hasn't turned into a rabid wolf or anything (yet), so we assume he'll get past this. Still, it's possible he broke a mirror ... while standing under a ladder ... while petting a black cat ... while angering a vengeful gypsy.
Best use of misdirection on social media
Blount, who is still under contract with the Pats, was going on vacation.
Worst allocation of funds for misguided billboard campaign
Monday in Detroit ...
Wednesday in Detroit ...
The first billboard didn't even succeed in its most basic task: Delivering a concise message. Remember "Fire Idzik"? Now that was a billboard aggrieved fans could get behind. But $UH? What the hell did it even mean? The follow-up message at least delivered clarity, but we don't imagine Detroit motorists were granted any cathartic release. Try again.
Saddest allocation of funds for misguided billboard campaign
Oof. To the credit of Jags management, they spent a ton of money this week. They're trying. But there's something depressing about this billboard. It's like Jags fans just want to be loved.
Quote of the Week
"I'll be one of the top running backs from here on out. They ruled Marshawn Lynch off in his third year. Look at what he's doing now. My next stop, I'll be the starter. I still have my pride and I know who I am."
-- Trent Richardson, the freshly released running back who needs to just stop talking for a while.
Spring of Gronk Update
Everything looks normal here. Moving on.
Where's Joe?
Look at this joyous photo from Dolphins headquarters. The whole gang's here to celebrate the arrival of Ndamukong Suh. Smile City: Population 11.
But, wait, somebody's missing. Where's Joe Philbin? The guy who will, you know, coach Suh this year? Since when did the head coach not get a spot in the team-released contract signing photo? We must find him ...
There he is! Right there, tucked away in the gallery during Suh's press conference, probably next to some schlub columnist who calls for his firing on a weekly basis. It's just a matter of time before Joe's desk is in the basement.
Idiocracy is taking hold
Let me get this straight: A guy plays at a high level for your favorite team over the course of several years, wins a rushing title and an Offensive Player of the Year award, then signs elsewhere because your team chose not to pay market value -- and your move is to burn his jersey and post the footage on the Internet?
There are a lot of people doing this right now. Like, a lot. This is why we -- as a people -- give you so much crap, Cowboys fans.
Hero of the Week: Patrick Willis
Not only does Willis go out on his own terms after eight tremendous years in the NFL, he had zero qualms about rocking this look during his tearful retirement speech:
I'm with this Dan McQuade fellow. If you can't rewrite the rules of the common necktie in this spot, then when?
Villain of the Week: Fake NFL Insiders On Twitter
Above is @RapSheel, not to confused with @RapSheet. It's a phony Twitter account designed to trick people into believing, retweeting and reacting to NFL news that hasn't really happened. It can actually get people fired. Alfred warned us about this.
In a thousand years, when a conquering alien life form studies the history of our civilization, it is @RapSheel and his brethren that will most confuse the hyper-intelligent super species.
Until next time ...
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