Many of you have reached out about my annual pre-draft rankings, I promise they will be up next week. If you are drafting sooner than that …
DON'T BE THAT GUY!
Exhibit A: Sidney Rice
Exhibit B: Percy Harvin
Exhibit C: Brett Favre
Exhibit D: Bernard Berrian
Too much can happen, so why expose your roster to the vagaries of fate and fractured kankles? To paraphrase Tavares, it only takes a minute, girl, to downgrade a starter!
"Don't be that guy" is also the name of a fun little video rollout we put together here at the .com to illuminate some no-no's for your upcoming fantasy draft days. I hope you enjoy them, and if you recognize yourself, please make some halftime adjustments.
Of course, it's easy to talk the talk. I can call out early drafters, but the fact is I don't really walk the walk on this one. Case in point: Last Monday night we held the draft for the NFL Network fantasy league, where I had the pleasure of picking against many of the network's fine luminaries.
There is nothing I enjoy more than a draft. It is the new Christmas morning, but along with all that excitement you get your share of stress and pain when the draft refuses to stick to the script. I thought I'd share the inner turmoil, blow-by-blow, of a draft that may have earned this column the title "Don't be me."
For starters, I was drafting in the three-hole. When you go third you know two things, or at least I hope you know them: You're going to pick Maurice Jones Drew, and you are not going to snag one of the super-elite QB's. It's simple -- it takes sooooo long for the wheel to serpentine back your way, you simply won't recover to have a viable starter at each slot in your lineup. This sucks, because I love Drew Brees and Aaron Rodgers, but the minute I see where I'm picking, I know I have to slow-roll QB and play my cards right on a guy who I think will have a big year.
Round 1: Maurice Jones-Drew, RB, Jaguars
I like any back that is unrivaled for carries, and MJD is durable, too. That's huge when you look at the Frank Gore's and Steven Jackson's of the world. Can't win with your No. 1 pick in the whirlpool. I'd take Ray Rice here, too, but I am happy with the wee force, and pay him homage for being a fantasy football enthusiast.
The only other big twists in the first round were unproven Ryan Mathews going at 1.8 (although I think this one is going to turn out just dandy) and then not only Brees and Rodgers, but Peyton Manning, also going at 1.11. This was unusual, and a harbinger of a QB run going off really, really early. As I have said before, the biggest trend I have noted in my mocks this year is QB's flying off the shelves. That being said, this is the first time I've seen anyone other than Rodgers and Brees go in the first. Ruh-roh ...
Round 2: Ryan Grant, RB, Packers
Now I'm twiddling my thumbs forever, seriously worried about the QB situation when Tom Brady kicks off the first pick of the second round. Again, waaaay earlier than I have seen. When Tony Romo goes at 17, I am not pleased. Despite Dallas' preseason offensive doldrums, I think he's going to have a big year and I've been grabbing this guy in the fourth round. On the bright side, thanks to some wide receivers coming off the board in orthodox slots, I love snagging Ryan Grant at 22! This guy is another ball hog with no real vultures in sight, playing for a great offense.
Now I have a short wait, and a dilemma -- If I don't grab a wide receiver next, I will be chasing the position for the rest of my draft in a league that starts three receivers, plus a flex ...
Round 3: Matt Schaub, QB, Texans
I couldn't help it! I can't leave this draft with a "maybe" at quarterback, and Schaub is the last remaining passer I really believe in right now. Brett Favre? Maybe, but he's starting to look like he should do one of those Just For Men goatee ads with Walt Frazier. Then the news that his two best receivers are suffering. Phillip Rivers? No left tackle, no Vincent Jackson, no thanks.
With Schaub, I got a guy who can blow up. I also have a guy who has been fragile, so I can't play around when the time comes to grab my No. 2 QB.
Now I settle in for another eternity as the serpent wreaks its havoc, praying there is at least one viable stud receiver when my turn comes around again.
Round 4: Steve Smith, WR, Panthers
I note the cat is out of the bag on Jahvid Best; pick 38 this is the highest I have seen him go. I kinda hoped he'd slide my way -- he strikes me as the perfect flex starter. Equally surprised to see Matt Forte go before Jonathan Stewart, LeSean McCoy, and Joe Addai. I was one of the many who had a few teams go down hard thanks to his soporific sophomore season.
On the bright side, thanks to those moves and a few reaches on receivers (Crabtree in round 4?), I am thrilled to see my old pal, the original Steve Smith, ripe for the picking. Not that I'm against young receivers with upside -- I love them, and I am going to need them -- but it's the one position where I think you can find value throughout your draft. Here, I'm taking a proven superstar who remains the only guy in the state of Carolina who can catch a football, and his team has addressed a disastrous quarterback situation. I say it's a big year. Welcome aboard!
Round 5: Hakeem Nicks, WR, Giants
Nothing at running back is pulling my focus enough to bail on project wide receiver -- and I love this pick. The Giants passing game has big upside that a lot of folks are overlooking, and I think Nicks has a chance to be the most explosive player in this offense.
Okay, I may be talking myself into this a little hard, but there's no time to hang your head. I am going to have to keep talking myself into it forever, 'cuz here comes that long wait again while the serpent crushes my dreams …
Round 6: Tony Gonzalez, TE, Falcons
I was really pissed to see both Arian Foster and Ahmad Bradshaw go three picks away from my slot! Lovely flex options, both. Meanwhile, there has been a panic run on tight ends and I have no choice but to fall in line, because after Gonzalez, I am not feeling the love with the remaining options.
Round 7: Jeremy Maclin, WR, Eagles
Now here is what I'm talking about when I say you can find young, upside receivers all over the draft. This kid showed great potential last year while learning the pro game, he has a year under his belt, and one thing we know -- Andy Reid enjoys passing the football.
That's all just dandy, but … in hindsight, I might have been wise to go with Malcolm Floyd here, who a shrewd and handsome Rich Eisen grabbed three slots later. For some reason, I can't get it into my head that he is the No. 1 in San Diego this year!
Don't be that guy who forgets stuff like this! Learn from my mistake!
Round 8: Reggie Bush, RB, Saints
Now destiny is starting to bite large chunks out of my ample hind quarters. Chasing receivers has left my running back cupboard bare, and I find myself reaching for one of the most maddening players in fantasy football. Forget how this guy cost USC it's trophies! Nobody stiffs fantasy owners like Reggie does. A huge game gets you all worked up, then he goes into hibernation for three weeks, you snap and bench him just in time to miss his next sporadically good game.
I am hating me some me right now, but I really thought someone who could at least not give you goose-egg weeks would still be there -- the small ball dream of a Cadillac Williams, even a Michael Bush. I am chagrined, and I have no one to blame but myself.
Round 9: Carson Palmer, QB, Bengals
See my earlier note about Matt Schaub playing a full season. The remainders bin at RB/WR is down to felt, so I go for the guy with the biggest upside at a need position. As I wrote last week, I think Palmer has a chance to be the best quarterback value out there this year, and I feel safe.
Who knows, he might even be trade bait? Ah, who am I kidding? That never works out.
Round 10: Steve Slaton, RB, Texans
It has come to this! I am spiraling and I can't stop! I even looked at myself after this one and said "If you're going to be like that, why not just draft a kicker?"
I am truly unhappy to see Montario Hardesty, Laurence Maroney and Donald Brown go at the bottom of round 9. Not that any one of them is a sure thing, but I am on the long side of the wheel again, and my running back situation is starting to look extremely problematic. Oh, I love my top two, but these guys go down like flies, and I am already experiencing brow-sweat anticipating waiver wire frenzies starting around week five …
Round 11: Derrick Mason, WR, Ravens
Okay, at least I'm not on tilt anymore! This is what I call value -- I love Mason, I think Anquan Boldin helps him as much as he takes some catches away, and there is concrete chemistry with Joe Flacco here.
Rounds 12-16:
When you pick Slaton, you know you are down to running backs who may have a hard time making a YFL roster. So I am finishing the draft grabbing necessities and receivers to help me fill my crappy flex options, and to handle the fact that I managed to draft no less than three receivers with the same bye (Week 8).
In my defense, Jason La Canfora and I started message boarding between picks about our shared love for the post-glitter, pre-punk, and full-blown punk glory that was the New York Dolls, Richard Hell and the Void Oids, The MC5, Johnny Thunders and the Heartbreakers, and the Dead Boys -- his team is named after their seminal song "Sonic Reducer."
That's what tipped me off that our preeminent insider also knows his way around down and dirty rock and roll. I mentioned that I actually saw the DBoys live on their first tour in Buffalo at long-lost joint called Uncle Sams, which was a disco every other night of the week. Needless to say, Stiv Bators and Cheetah Chrome threw the crowd a major curve that night, and it was awesome in its complete wrongness … sort of like my draft.
Bonding with J.L. was a blast, but the dregs of my draft paid the price:
Chris Chambers -- WR, Chiefs: Everyone is down on Chambers, but he had some huge weeks last season and found the end zone. That being said, I wish I picked Bernard Berrian. I blame La Canfora …
Eagles defense: Nothing wrong with this, but I would rather have one more remotely competent running back.
Kevin Walter -- WR, Texans: This guy is now officially undervalued. He can get it done in a great offense with a great quarterback, and I am taking a shot. Hey, it was that or trying to talk Barry Word into coming out of retirement …
Marshawn Lynch -- RB, Bills: And here we see Nick Bakay waiving the white flag! This is nothing more than a small, desperate prayer that he gets traded to a team with a good offensive line after some injuries go down. Hopefully, that happens before Lynch earns his annual four game suspension for attempting to drive an automatic weapon down Chippewa street and hitting a pedestrian on his night off.
Robbie Gould -- K, Bears: What can I say? You have to draft one of these guys, and whoever you think is going to bring it, won't.
And … exhale. Thank god this dance is over. All in all, my draft started out with a bang and ended in a whimper. As I force myself to honor the fantasy draft tradition of examining other rosters, I realize my team may be in for some tough sledding here.
TEAMS I ENVY:
The Crazy 88's
Frickin Flantastic
The Little General
Rod Woodson
The Bernie Kukars
Lindsay Soto
Kiss My Aztec
That's pretty much everyone except me and La Canfora, who did a nice job but his running backs make mine look like Mount Rushmore.
So what? Jason and I are now blood brothers, and that's a good thing, because as the late great Mr. Thunders once said, "You can't put your arms around a memory."
For what it's worth, if I play the Bernie Kukars during Green Bay's bye week, we might just emerge with a tie.