I've got bad news for you. Grim, depressing news. Oh boy, this is tough. You wanna take a seat? Thanks.
Let me start by saying you're not going to like what I have to tell you. But just understand it's coming from a good place. The sooner you process what I'm about to share, the healthier you'll be as a person.
OK.
Here we go.
Your fantasy team is terrible.
Come on, sit back down. Don't be like that. You think I like being the fantasy turk? Besides, you can't be totally shocked. It's not all that complicated, really: You made a series of poor decisions on draft day and now you're paying the price. The bill came due.
It's not all your fault. How could you know Todd Gurley would be imprisoned on Fisher Island this season? Well, we all did, but it was quite an ambush to learn Case Keenum would be the quarterback in Los Angeles, while Jared Goff enjoyed a paid vacation. Shoot, we knew that, too. Yeah, maybe you should have stayed away from Todd Gurley.
That Ryan Tannehill pick, though. That seemed like a rock-solid pick! A total late-round steal! You even did that obnoxious draft day move of yours where you make a loud snoring noise to announce you're about to take a league-rocking sleeper. Everyone hates when you do that! Back to Tannehill. New offensive line, new coaching staff, Joe Philbin not within 500 square miles -- what could go wrong?
Well ... everything went wrong. The United States government actually burned all tape of Thursday night's game in an effort to protect the American public. You shouldn't have picked Ryan Tannehill.
Of course, your team was built around wide receivers. That was a sound draft strategy. Who'd you have again? Dez Bryant, huh? The same Dez whose latest Rotoworld update involved a trip to Noted Orthopedist James Andrews? That's never good. And I know you have Odell Beckham Jr., though we're in the only league in America that deducts points on an infinite basis for losing street brawls to inanimate objects. That's just plain bad luck. At least you hit on your Sammy Watkins pick. Circle the wagons time in Buffalo! Oh, right.
You really boned it at tight end, too. Remember when you were trying to choose between Greg Olsen and Gary Barnidge, but you went with Barnidge because you had a "feeling" about the Browns this year? That was a bad feeling. Who has a feeling about the Browns? Speaking of Cleveland and large-scale natural disasters, why is Cody Parkey in your lineup? Are you guys related or something?
Wait, what are you doing with that laptop? You're not trying to pull off a desperation trade, are you? Oh geez. Just promise me you won't be that guy who sends out inane trade offers that insult the intelligence of everyone else in the league. That reputation will stick with you, my friend. Let me see that. Blake Bortles and the Texans' defense for Cam Newton? What the hell is wrong with you, man?
Now what are you doing? Oh no, you're not scanning the waiver wire, are you? This is going to be depressing. Did you just put in a claim on Anquan Boldin? You did. Now what's that gonna change? He's like 70. Do you really want your upcoming opponents to click the "View Matchup" hyperlink and see you have a septuagenarian in your starting lineup? They can take away your entry fee, but they shouldn't be allowed to take away your dignity.
Oh boy. You're writing an angry missive on the message board now, aren't you? Why is your face turning purple? Are you really going to blame your season on a point system you believe -- and using your words here now -- "unfairly discredits kickers and their importance to the sport"? Dude. And let me guess, this is going to dovetail into your endless holy war against our current keeper system. It's a perfectly good keeper system! Oh, and of course, you'll close with your latest barb about getting stuck with the biggest tab at the draft. That was an innocent misunderstanding!
Whatever. Just do me this favor -- and I'm asking this as a personal favor -- don't demand the resignation of our commissioner again. Don't do it, man. Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. It's a d--- move, and you know this is all Ken has after Rachel left him for that personal trainer from their anniversary cruise.
You clicked "send," didn't you? You're out here trying to steal the light from Ken's eyes now. For what? Your fantasy team is terrible. And so are you.
I'll see you at happy hour.
Follow Dan Hanzus on Twitter @danhanzus and check out his stuff on the End Around.