What we are talking about:
Josh Gordon is back ...
Please, stop asking me about him.
Start your Los Angeles Rams
Yes, all of them.
Why the Dolphins ...
are the NFL version of Nickelback
Before we get started, let me say one thing. Please stop asking me about Josh Gordon. You know what your roster looks like. If you have a player on your bench you're never going to start, then fine. Please add the guy who had a breakout season in 2013. You want to know what else happened in 2013? The Jonas Brothers broke up. "Sharknado." And the Harlem Shuffle. And when you're all, "that seems like a long time ago," yeah, you'd be correct.
But hey, football seems super easy. Like, I didn't play "Madden" for like a year and I went out and smoked my nephew over the weekend.
UPDATE:
Actually, there were a bunch of words about Deshaun Watson. I'm legit bummed, dudes and dudettes. This is completely awful news. Not only does this hurt in the fantasy community, but this is awful for anybody who loves football. He's a complete joy to watch. He captivated us for over two years at Clemson. He quickly became one of the most beloved players in football -- especially fantasy -- in such a short period of time. Now, this.
Jared Goff would be a nice add. He's the one I found the most in a lot of my leagues. But there's just no coming back from this. DeAndre Hopkins, Will Fuller V and the rest of the Texans skill position players take a huge hit in terms of fantasy value. But all of this pales in comparison to what this young man must be going through right now. Best wishes to Watson, and we look forward to seeing him rebound and come back next year.
And without further ado ...
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Alex Smith has thrown 16 touchdown passes and no interceptions on 259 pass attempts this season. He needs five more touchdown passes without an interception to break Peyton Manning's record.
No quarterback has more wins than Smith or Dak Prescott since the start of last season (17 apiece). Tom Brady also has 17 wins during that span, but he's not playing in this game.
Dak Prescott has scored more than 22 fantasy points in four of his last five games.
Carson Wentz is a trendy MVP candidate at the moment. The other players to win the MVP in their second season are Kurt Warner (1999), Dan Marino (1984), Earl Campbell (1978), and Jim Brown (1957 and 1958). Now, Philly fans are going to be all, "Rank says this guy is going to be the next Dan Marino." I'm not. But he's pretty great.
Wentz being friends with Mike Trout has nothing to do with this, either.
We did our MVP picks this week for NFL.com. I'm kind of bummed I didn't choose Russell Wilson. He's carried the Seahawks. Everyone overlooked his great game against the Texans because of Deshaun Watson.
The Seahawks are 15-4 in November since Wilson took over as starting quarterback (2012).
Drew Brees hasn't been himself, fantasy wise. But the Bucs have allowed more than 23 points on the road to quarterbacks.
Jared Goff has a better matchup with Janoris Jenkins suspended. He'd be one of my top streaming options this week. He's also good on the road.
I'm not crazy about Cam Newton this week. But I would like to point out that his best season came without Kelvin Benjamin.
What do Devin Funchess and Christian McCaffrey have in common? They both have more targets than Julio Jones' 56 this season.
Chris Thompson has been dominant in PPR leagues. I'm worried about the magic coming to an end in Seattle, but I can't bench him.
Todd Gurley is the third member of the Los Angeles Rams to gain more than 900 scrimmage yards in the first seven games of the season. The other two are in the Hall of Fame - Eric Dickerson and Elroy "Crazy Legs" Hirsch.
I like Alfred Morris. But I'm telling you, Rod Smith will end up being the dude.
Carlos Hyde is a surprisingly good start this week against the Cardinals who have allowed the third-most points to running backs this year.
Adrian Peterson is still a thing! There are going to be times when he's still great. Matchups against the 49ers will do that.
Alex Collins should benefit if the Ravens want to start establishing the run more to protect their quarterback.
ImageI'm at the point of my life where I'm not only humming tunes to Disney movies like "Moana," but I'm also being called out on it by the other parents around me. My little girl, Ahsoka, wouldn't stop haranguing the brother and sister dressed as Moana and Maui for Halloween. And if you're now humming "You're Welcome" from that movie, well, you're welcome. Yes, this is the stuff I'm watching instead of "Bojack Horseman."
ImageSmackdown was great this week. Loved the main event of Kevin Owens and Nakamura (my daughter's current favorite, though she still loves Enzo). Fashion Files was on point once again. If this ends up with Breezeango and the Ascension battling for the tag team belts, I would start to swoon.
Paul Richardson has played great in his last two games. He had two touchdowns last week against the Texans, one I'm relatively sure he stole from Doug Baldwin.
DeAndre Hopkins and Will Fuller are tied for the NFL lead in receiving touchdowns (seven). The PackersJordy Nelson and Devante Adams were the first two teammates to do that since the 1970 merger.
Demaryius Thomas has the second-most targets without a touchdown this season. Brock Osweiler should fix that. Actually, I'm being serious.
Robert Woods has had at least five receptions in three consecutive games. I'm cool with Sammy Watkins this week, too. I'm going big on the Rams. Don't burn me, guys.
Dez Bryant has a great matchup against the Chiefs who have allowed 13 touchdowns to wide receivers this year. I suspect the Cowboys will throw a bit more this week. Just a hunch.
Tyreek Hill on the other side should be great as well.
Larry Fitzgerald has some sort of personal grudge against the 49ers. He's had five touchdowns in his last five games. I almost feel like Drew Stanton can get him the ball. He's a small downgrade because of that. But not much.
Golden Tate would be a nice start this week against the Packers. That Green Bay defense is starting to spend more time on the field and it's starting to show some wear.
ImageI swear, I look through our research notes and they always use the 1970 merger as a launching point. Did they not keep stats before that previously?
Brandon Coleman seems like a fun play this week. I know, super-risky. But if you feel like I didn't give you enough receiver help in Rank's 11, there you go.
Tyler Higbee is a hip play this week. People jealous of the Danger Zone keep bringing him up. But it's a great matchup against the Giants.
I'm so happy my best player is coming back this week. Yep, I'm talking about that Jaguars defense. One guy I know (Tokyo Rose) dropped the Jags last week and I was there to swoop them up. Like a cat.
ImageIf you need a laugh, I came across this again. Still holds up. SNL Jeopardy!
Matt Ryan and Cam Newton are the NFL's last two MVP winners. They are also two of the most disappointing quarterbacks in fantasy football. They fall in the QB1 range this week because of the byes. But you need them off your roster as soon as possible. You don't need to be tempted to play either one of them.
Cam Newton has scored 10 fantasy points per game over the last two games. He's topped 21 points just twice in his last 15 games.
I had added Marcus Mariota, but he's struggled so hard this year I just can't force myself to play him. But watch him have like 80 rushing yards and a touchdown this week.
Jimmy Garoppolo to the 49ers. Wow, this franchise is so spoiled by Joe Montana, nobody seems excited that they just acquired a two-time Super Bowl winner.
Eli Manning has done a nice job with a 10-5 touchdown to interception ratio, but I just couldn't stream him this week. I just wasn't feeling it. I know, this is why you read this. For this awesome hard-hitting analysis.
Brett Hundley is a better quarterback than we saw at Minnesota and home against New Orleans. I wouldn't start him, or even stash him. But he's going to play better so you can feel better about Jordy Nelson and Davante Adams.
Andy Dalton was good last week. I'm not playing him this week against my friends in Duval County, Florida. This is a total must-not-start game for him. I'm really worried about A.J. Green. In fact, I've tried to move him where possible in most of my leagues this year. I love him. I just hate this gross offense.
I'm feeling bad for Kirk Cousins this week. He's got an angry Seahawks defense to deal with. (Dude, just get it to my guy Chris Thompson and we'll all be copacetic.)
I really wanted to rage-drop Jameis Winston. But it's not his fault. I really have to believe it is the fault of Dirk Koetter. He obviously needs to go. But damn, Jameis is going to be in this situation where he's playing for another offensive coordinator. This next hire needs to hit.
Image I want to rage-quit RAW. The only thing to watch is The Miz. He's awesome. (I swear I dropped that word to him like 20 times when I was talking to him during one of our Thursday shows, and kept apologizing. And he was like, "I do it all the time.") But a lot of RAW was lackluster, which shouldn't happen with that roster.
Look, I know a lot of you can't afford to not play Kenyan Drake. I get that. And I don't want to come off like a fantasy snob. But just because Drake is the new running back doesn't necessarily mean things are changing. There are still problems on that team. I mean, you could change the bassist for Nickelback, but it's still the same (expletive) band.
I'm starting Mark Ingram. I am. So don't take this the wrong way. But why am I the only person who is concerned about his two fumbles that he lost against the Bears last week? This seems like a big deal. I should not be the only one freaking out.
Big props to my friend Chelsea who last week alerted me to the fact I hadn't slandered Melvin Gordon in this space. So I wanted to give her a shout. I also wanted to mention him here so nothing bad happens during the bye week.
BTW, why couldn't the Chargers have traded Philip Rivers and then traded up for Sam Darnold in the draft? That would be one way to win the battle of L.A.
I'm a little scared of C.J. Anderson. It feels like Jamaal Charles and Devontae Booker are gaining on him.
I'm really fired up to play Ty Montgomery this week. Stupid bye weeks. I was like, 'Oh, Ty is still a thing on my roster.' Delightful.
I hate having to move T.Y. Hilton into the starting lineup this week. Obviously not his fault, but I can't play him confidently.
Alshon Jeffery has fewer than 100 receiving yards in 19 consecutive games. If he doesn't get into the end zone for you, then yeah. Not great.
Cameron Brate is going to have a tough matchup this week. The Saints are very tough on tight ends. And we still kind of don't know what is going on at the quarterback position.
The Ravens will be a popular pick in DFS, but I would stay away if I could. You want the Jags, anyway.
Image I feel bad for the homies Harmon and Gelhar who have moved away from their favorite local bar, "The Gulp" in West Hollywood or Northridge or whatever (LA is all the same to me). It's funny to listen to them talk about how they will still hang out there. But friends, the first bar you become a local at is like your friends from high school. Sure, you promise that you'll remain friends. But it's nearly impossible. I mean sure, I see Cassidy's in Newport Beach on Facebook all the time. And maybe I like to believe I'll swing by some day. But that day never comes. Besides, I'm happy with Tsunami Sushi now. And RIIP Brewing Company. But you two should just write K.I.T. on the wall, leave your phone number and tell them to have a bitchin' summer. Stay cool!
ImageFor the record, I don't like the catch rule. Zach Miller caught that ball last week. I mean, I guess he dropped it to make sure his foot was still attached to his body. But what is the ruling if he can't get up off the ground. Like, when is he going to walk again? So conceivably, he wouldn't have "completed the catch" until he takes another step again. When is that going to be? The Saints and Bears game could still be going if he had just continued to hold on to the ball. I'm sorry. I love the NFL, but that rule needs to be fixed.
Follow Adam Rank on Twitter @adamrank.