Once again I find myself wrestling with far too many leagues. It is a professional hazard, due in large part to the fact that my career in sports media left the bar looking for a cab, only to stumble into the cul-de-sac that is fantasy-related content. Try as I might to wax poetic about the kind of topical matters worthy of a five-hour Simmons/Klosterman podcast mind-fugue, those efforts only irritate the masses who are desperate to know if they should bench or start Mohamed Massaquoi. Message received, and thus I present you my best effort to create fantasy football's answer to Internet porn: A peek into the undulations of my own teams as the playoffs rev up.
I threw down the gauntlet with eight separate teams, which seems to be the number I have settled into in recent years. As a result, I can't even tell you my backup tight end on any of them without a quick computer search. On the bright side, you will no doubt relate to at least one of them, because I have run the gamut. Let's start with the two pro leagues I fought in right here at the mothership.
The NFL Network League
League profile: Essentially all the big on-air talent at "NFL Total Access," resident fantasy-football expert Michael Fabiano, and me -- a guy you might vaguely remember playing a used-car salesman on a rerun of "Grace Under Fire." The fact is you never know who is or isn't actually drafting and managing their teams here, but if they are ghosted, it's by a full-time fantasy-football pro, which makes your life even harder.
Record and playoff status: This is the team I lamented on these cyber pages after we held our draft, because of a remarkable lack of depth at running back.(You might also enjoy referencing some of my preseason instincts.) This team might have been a mess, but I got a reprieve from the governor thanks to some solid waiver-wire roster massaging late in the season that virtually reinvented my roster and helped me bull my way into the playoffs with a 9-4 record.
Heroes:Hakeem Nicks -- and MJD, once he snorted smelling salts and woke up.
Goats: Ryan Grant, Steve Smith South.
Waiver-wire winners:Fred Jackson, John Kitna, Jacob Tamme, Chris Ivory, Josh Scobee and the Ravens Defense … more on that later.
Matchup: In round one, I found myself head-to-head with preeminent NFL Insider and Stiv Bators devotee Jason La Canfora. This match up is essentially my seeds-and-stems rebuilt waiver-wire warriors versus Jason's lineup, which is really strong at every position. Don't worry, I won't go into this kind of detail with my other leagues, but since this one is available for your perusal here on NFL.com, why not dig a little deeper?
Bakay vs. La Canfora
Quarterbacks: John Kitna vs. Matt Ryan. I'm not scared here, even though I know the Falcons are gonna roll, but I predict a relatively balanced result. In reality, we both should have started our bench quarterbacks. I squandered Matt Schaub's 26.52 for Kitna's 16.38. Jason lost David Garrard's 19.56 for Ryan's 11.48.
Advantage: Bakay
Running backs:Fred Jackson vs. Michael Turner. I love Freddy, I really do, but I was scared here, and with good reason. Turner against the Panther defense? Shtoink go the strings of my heart as Turner nets Jason 30.40 whopping points while Jackson shags me a workman-like 11.50.
Advantage: La Canfora
MJD vs. James Starks. OK, now I feel better. I get a stellar 18 points from my guy. His guy? A mere .80 from boom or bust one-week wonder Starks!
Advantage: Bakay
Receivers:Mike Thomas, Hakeem Nicks, Jeremy Maclin vs. Calvin Johnson, Santonio Holmes, Mike Wallace. I'd laugh at the way Starks went invisible, but, alas, Thomas managed to earn me a staggering negative with -.80. This is going to be trouble. I worried about Thomas with Sims-Walker back, but I have no better options. Nicks is a total Hail Mary, but you dance with the ones that brung ya, and this guy almost single handedly rescued my season. The result? No touchdowns, but far more yards than I expected after all that down time and a respectable 9.60 point total. Meanwhile, Maclin is solid, right? Especially going against that schizo Dallas defense -- say hello to a piteous 1.10 points. Meanwhile, Jason's is studs-ahoy on paper, but blessedly not in reality: 5.70 from Calvin and Santonio, and a respectable 9.0 from Wallace keep the dream alive.
Advantage: Bakay
Tight end:Jacob Tamme vs. Brent Celek. I like my edge here -- Celek and Vick are a weird combo, and Tamme is go-to in the Colts' suddenly bizarre offense. Well, guess what -- my guy only manages to fart out 3.60 points. Thank God his guy dropped the big goose egg.
Advantage: Bakay
Flex:Chris Ivory vs. Anquan Boldin. Nervous again -- Ivory is feast or famine. Meanwhile, Boldin is hot and gets a juicy Texan defense to destroy. At the end of the day, both are pathetic with four points each, and I can exhale.
Advantage: Push
Kicker:Josh Scobee vs. Dan Carpenter. Dammit, I will put my kicker up against any kicker! Well, except Jay Feely, aka "the new Larry Fitzgerald." However, this time I'm right as I squeak out a three-point win here.
Advantage: Bakay
Advantage: Bakay
The result: Bakay 89.08 -- La Canfora 85.18
Winner, winner, chick dinner, by a hair!!!
However, it's not a money league, and the next time Jason is in town, it's gonna cost me a thickest-steak-in-town-caliber dinner, so there are no losers here, kids. I move on to the next round and a chance to exact retribution against Mike "I think I know everything" Fabiano, and as you will see below, this time it's personal.
NFL.com Magazine League
League profile: Some repeat former players from the previous league, lots of NFL.com writers, including the man, the legend: Gil Brandt.
Record and playoff status: No playoffs for me, thanks to an NFC West-like 6-7 record, but flag on the play! An identical 6-7 team did get into the playoffs -- a team managed by none other than resident fantasy expert Mike Fabiano, a man who works this beat full time! Plus, my spies tell me that Fabiano helped Jamie Dukes with his lineup that ultimately kept me out of the playoffs. The fix is in, and this league can eat my shorts.
You read it here first: Next week, Fabiano is gonna get the Jake LaMotta "He ain't so pretty now" treatment.
The John Facenda Memorial League
League profile: My original league is comprised of old friends and dudes I only see once a year at the draft. This league dates back to the dawn of man, when your commish had to actually calculate the scoring with a pencil, a pad, and the box score -- and is very dear to my heart. Once upon a time, I had a three-peat here, but not for a while thanks to the vastly improved dissemination of fantasy-football intelligence, thanks to websites like the one you are currently perusing.
Record and playoff status: 8-5, playoff team.
Hero:Aaron Rodgers.
Goats:Larry Fitzgerald, Ryan Mathews, Reggie Bush -- yikes, how the hell did I make the playoffs?
Matchup:Drew Stanton -- 14 points. My superstar, Aaron Rodgers, gets knocked out after a mere three points. You can't question the start -- this might just be God's way of saying it's not meant to be. To compound matters, I left Malcolm Floyd on the bench for Santonio Holmes. I also benched Jonathan Stewart, Lance Moore and Mathews during one of the few weeks these louts decided to sack up and deliver.
The result: Thanks to riding reed-hot Derek Mason on Monday night, I squeak out a win by one tiny point -- 84-83.
Hollywood 2010
League profile: This is what morphed out of the old, lamented NFL Network Hollywood Fantasy Football League. You might remember those televised drafts thanks to great moments like Jeff Garland and Urkel going at it. Or the year Paul Rudd drafted from London via a live feed to a small robotic camera placed at his seat at the draft table. Good times, and they now continue here, where "Nick Bakay's Love Handles" play on in a less public setting with a more obscure roster of owners, with the exception of Garland and our beloved Rich Eisen.
Record and playoff status: 7-6. I needed to merely win this week to lock up one of the four playoff spots.
Heroes:Arian Foster and Adrian Peterson, 'nuff said.
Goats: None to speak of.
Matchup: I went head to head against Garland, whose team is named after long-lost comedy team "Skillet & Leroy." This time around, I was actually smart enough to start Malcolm Floyd, who single-handedly outscored my opponent's running backs, receivers and flex.
The result: Easy win, off we go.
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (Plus Skro...)
League profile: A league that grew out of the writing team I worked with on the ill-fated sitcom "'Til Death." My shrink once said to me, "You never put the word 'Death' in your show title, at least in comedy." The man has a point. At any rate, the writers were a great group bonded by some ritual, on-the-job hazing, and although we have all scattered in the wind, this is how we stay connected. Oh, and the "Plus Skro" part is a swipe at veteran writer Steve Skrovan, who includes both "Seinfeld" and "Everybody Loves Raymond" on his resume, not to mention back-to-back league championships on his resume. Therefore, he must be denigrated in public.
Record and playoff status: Playoff team, No. 2 seed, bye-week.
Heroes: Rodgers, Foster.
Goats: None of any significance, although Percy Harvin drove me insane all year long.
Fox Fantasy Freaks Invitational
League profile: Another expert league, which I actually won in its inaugural season last year.
Record and playoff status: My team has been a bit of a mess, but I managed to squeak into the first round of the playoffs this week with a less-than-intimidating 6-7 record, which speaks to the level of competition here (he said, dabbing brow sweat).
Heroes: Rodgers, Foster. (Are you starting to sense a pattern here? Like the rest of you, I go into my drafts with my eyes on some key elements, and sometimes they not only land on multiple squads, they actually work out.)
Goats:Shonn Greene. (Another pattern forms, as this guy kicked more than one of my teams right in the labanza …)
Matchup: John Halpin, a fantasy analyst for FOX showed his acumen by starting Alex Smith and his 29.4 points at quarterback! Yikes, with Rodgers going down early, I am in a serious hole.
The result: One and done, see ya next year, Bakay is on the clock.
Pro Forecast Experts League
League Profile: This is a truly elite league for one of the best preseason magazines and websites going, headed up by one of the founding fathers of the WCOFF, my pal Emil Kadlec. The league features fantasy experts from every major advisory source in the industry. I am very proud to have won this league last year and also to have placed first in its preseason rankings poll as well. I used to really struggle here -- so much so I worried about getting asked back, but I got the hang of it ... or the luck of it -- at long last.
Record and playoff status: Another good season -- tied for second-best record in the league at 9-4, playoff team.
Heroes:Philip Rivers, Jamaal Charles, and my best late season pickup in a waiver bid, Deion Branch, who came through big for me this week.
Goats: None of any significance.
Matchup: I solidified my record with a strong win over Footballdiehards.com, thanks to Rivers, MJD coming through with the big touchdown scamper late in the game, and Branch. Diehards also were bitten by a problem I can relate to -- Rodgers, and collateral damage from Greg Jennings.
The result: Another win, 88-74, the playoffs start this week, and here's the really sick part: I have the second-best record, but I'm out because the four slots go to division winners and point totals! My shorts once again need to be eaten by the numb nut that set this league on tilt! That man might actually be Emil Kadlec, who is no longer a friend! Seriously, guys, isn't the whole point to replicate real NFL leagues as much as possible? They probably rigged it because they feared a repeat win from a guy who has a day job.
World Championship of Fantasy Football
League profile: Simply put, the largest fantasy-football throwdown in the world. I equate it to fantasy football's answer to the World Series Of Poker. Anyone can buy in, but be warned there are some sharks out there. Seriously, I have competed here for years, and although I can brag about winning some expert leagues, I get my shorts handed to me here. The competition in all the leagues I have picked in Las Vegas has been fierce and extremely knowledgeable.
Record and playaoff status: Abysmal. I managed to put together a one-win season in the World Championship of Fantasy Football. That's not a typo -- one measly win. I honestly didn't think I could be that bad if I tried -- but that's why we play the games (and why all your league money is in escrow).
Heroes: None -- are you kidding? One win, baby.
Goats: My draft reads like a boulevard of broken dreams, including Greene, Clinton Portis, and Matt Schaub, whom I had high hopes for back in the day. Oh, yeah, and I stashed away Vincent Jackson, only to see him start two weeks after my team was finished! In the WCOFF, you live and die with your draft, because it goes about 300 rounds deep -- there are no miracles later because every single able-bodied player is on a roster from day one. Miss a few key swings of the bat here, and it's over, Johnny! Next year, I get this one right.
So there you have it -- it's all so simple when you break things down scientifically. At the end of the day, I fought hard in eight leagues, four out of five playoff teams are still alive, I got screwed in two leagues, and I have one team that easily qualifies as my most embarrassing squad ever.
Now, does anyone have an update on Aaron Rodgers' puzzler?