Week 9 Power Rankings are at your door like a demanding 10-year-old trick-or-treater who's too snobby for candy corn and too sophisticated for Nerds) (which might be the greatest candy ever).
Nope, you can't please everyone. Kellen Clemens darn near made me reorder all the teams with an upset Monday night. Thank goodness the Rams' receivers continued to prove Bernie Kosar right. Speaking of Ohio ...
Ah, Nickolas. Nice psychological trick: Act like it's already happened, and we'll put Cincinnati at No. 5 without even realizing we've been influenced, like some sort of Tom Cruise-Scientology "girlfriend audition" vortex. No dice; the Bengals are still seventh.
Nice to see former Cowboys linebacker Bradie James checking in. Yep, if Romo would just play the ball and not watch Megatron, the Cowboys would not be ranked 13th. By the way, that was another heroic effort by the Dallas defense, almost as good as its performance against the Broncos three weeks ago.
Denver reclaims the top spot after Kansas City danced a bit too much with the Browns at Arrowhead on Sunday. The Chiefs are first in the AFC West but not in our hearts. As my editor always says, "On a neutral field, who would you take if you had to pick one team?"
Broncos > Chiefs. As for the rest, take a gander. By all means, feel free to share your thoughts ... @Harrison_NFL is the place.
Let the dissension commence ...
(Note: Arrows reflect change in standings from last week's Power Rankings.)
Still shaking my head over the little use of Beast Mode on Monday night. Surprising.
Andrew Luck is tough to replace as a fantasy quarterback. This is what we've come to as a society, and we're never going back.
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On another note, Andy Dalton is more popular in Cincinnati right now than Ken Anderson's early '80s mustache was in the early '80s. Marvin Jones, meanwhile, hasn't scored four touchdowns since playing himself in "Madden NFL 25" on the "rookie" difficulty level.
Still, it would be nice to see Joique Bell get the football more, as he's more reliable than the oft-spectacular Reggie Bush, who had a big fumble against the Cowboys. When the Lions get Nate Burleson back, they'll be more dangerous; right now, the offense is still running through Megatron, and, well, you can't expect a guy to get 329 yards every week. Burleson's return and the development of a 1-2 punch in the backfield would help Detroit keep pace with the Packers.
Mentioned last week that Philip Rivers is my Comeback Player of the Year, hands down, but Antonio Gates might be second. He's just seven catches and 41 yards behind his totals for all of 2012. Wow.
With the off week, Cutler's fill-in, backup Josh McCown, will have gotten a chance to take almost all of the reps in practice. If he can approach the level of play he brought in Week 7, the Bears should be OK.
The Cardinals' defense continues to buy the groceries and do the cooking, with a dash of Andre Ellington.
I wrote that line before seeing that Ryan decided to basically do just that. The fact that the Jets lost in Cincinnati was not shocking, but the manner in which they faltered was. Sure, Geno Smith made some of his usual mistakes, but the sloppy play and the complete breakdowns in coverage made for a gross combination. We'll find out whether this Jets defense is viable if it can prop up the offense when the Saints come to town next week.
What an ugly half of football -- and Miami has today's 3-4 record to show for it.
The problem is, McFadden averaged just 3 yards per pop, which has become the norm, unfortunately. The good news? The Raiders are 3-4 when a lot of folks expected them to be 1-6.
Looking ahead, the 3-5 Bills still can make something of this season. Yes, the 8-0 Chiefs visit Buffalo next, but they hardly resembled an unblemished team Sunday. After that, the Bills' slate plays out like this: at Steelers, vs. Jets, vs. Falcons, at Bucs and at Jags. That, folks, is an easy schedule.
What could be more fun than getting hit at full speed by 290-pound dudes when you have cracked ribs? Being an NFL player is so neato.
Ryan played poorly, yes, but he needs some kick from the ground game; the quarterback was the Falcons' leading rusher with 13 yards, while his "running" backs averaged 1.1 yards per carry. Yes, you read that last stat correctly.
So, did you know the 2-6 Giants still are within two games of the NFC East lead?
The Redskins' best chance to win still comes by running the ball and taking what the defense gives them. Alfred Morris averaged more than 5 yards per carry for a third consecutive game; with Roy Helu waiting in the wings, there's no reason Washington shouldn't run the ball 35 to 40 times per contest.
But back to the defense. On third and fourth downs, Minnesota allowed Green Bay to convert 15 of 20 times. That's one of the worst statistical lines we've ever seen.
<strong><em>Power Rankings side note:</em></strong>
Greg Schiano is the 347,645th most popular person in Tampa, Fla.
<strong><em>Power Rankings Positive side note:</em></strong> We relived the 1999 NFC Championship Game, and that gold-star Bucs defense,
here.
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OK, that's enough. Jacksonville has been outscored 264-86 this season. The Jags are averaging the lowest points per game (10.75) since the 2006 Raiders -- and those guys weren't any good, either.
Follow Elliot Harrison on Twitter @Harrison_NFL.