Welcome to the Around The NFL End Around, a weekly look back at the world of the National Football League. Dan Hanzus serves as your guide.
It was a good week for ...
1. Tom Brady:Call the fight, give Brady the MVP right now. The Patriots are 7-0 and their quarterback is on pace to throw for 5,500 yards with 48 touchdowns and two interceptions. At least he's not rich and good looking.
2. Kirk Cousins: Kirk done shifted his legacy on Sunday. Instead of being remembered as a sad pawn in the RGIII Washington Soap Opera, Cousins is now the "You Like That!" Guy. This is a historical upgrade.
3. Jim Bob Cooter: Just a reminder to everyone that Vince Lombardi's grandson got fired and replaced by a guy named Jim Bob Cooter. I mean, I cannot tell you how much I love this country.
It was a bad week for ...
1. Ryan Mallett: We're going to miss you, Ryan. Miss you harder than you missed that team flight. Your alarm clock might suck, but just know you were my alarm clock. You woke me up from an existential slumber and taught me how to live again.
2. Adrian Peterson: I really feel for AP. Not only does he get embarrassed by a (probably) bogus, "AP got sick from swallowing his dip!" narrative (thanks Norv), he must also battle with a love of shrimp that clashes cruelly with a serious shellfish allergy. The man who runs by cornerbacks and over linebackers can be felled by a literal shrimp. God has quite a sense of humor.
3. Arian Foster: I can claim exactly zero sources with knowledge of the situation, but I wouldn't be surprised if we've seen the last of Foster in the NFL after his latest serious injury. I predict he takes his life in a different direction.
OK, one Drake meme. JUST ONE
That was fun. Glad we addressed the 175-pound Canadian in the room.
End Around Fashion Watch
I wear polo shirts to work four days a week, so I'm not totally qualified to give fashion #hottakes. That said, Cam might be the only guy who could come close to pulling off panther slippers. I don't think he quite does, but kudos for the onions to try. Speaking of onions, those pants look tight and super uncomfortable.
What the what?
That's Dolphins coach Dan Campbell in the aftermath of a 44-20 win over the Texans, a game Miami led 41-0 at the half. I just want to point out this is exactly the type of thing one of my aunts would privately tell me at the family reunion after five vodka-lemonades. Drunk aunts are huge on non-contact transferable energy.
Young Gronk smash good, eat sugar
From the CBS broadcast on Thursday night, here's 5-year-old Rob Gronkowski doing damage to a piñata at his elementary school in upstate New York. Pay special attention to what happens after the innards of the papier-mâché carcass tumble upon the squealing children below.
Did you catch it? If not, I've provided a screen grab and some handy explanatory text.
That sad child was a precursor for every overmatched safety and linebacker that would eventually come.
Meanwhile, in Ciara has complete control over Russell Wilson news
OK, at least he didn't rent an actual Batmobile or anything ...
Oh dear.
And now, a commercial break
Has anyone stopped and really paid attention to the McConaughey car commercial with the bull that's airing during pretty much every football game this season? It's bonkers.
The next time I get uncomfortable in a social setting, I'm going to stare into the middle distance for a few seconds, then say to no one in particular, "That's a big bull." When someone inevitably asks, "What?" I will reply, "I think that's old Cyrus."
I feel like this will make me mysterious and perhaps desirable to advertising departments of deep-pocketed automotive giants.
Instagram of the Week
This is, by far, the worst tradition in the NFL. The rookies -- a.k.a. typically the lowest-paid guys on the team -- go out to dinner with the vets, then get stuck with the inevitably absurd bill. The logic, I understand, is that one day those rookies will become veterans and they, too, will gorge at the expense of young bucks.
The problem with this is that the average NFL career is only about three seasons and the large majority of rookies will need to make their pro football paychecks last for years and years. That's hard to do when you're getting banged on $22k dinners at age 21.
One day, there will be a rookie brave enough to take a stand. It will become a national story. And offensive linemen will throw him into a cold tub repeatedly, leading to another Ted Wells investigation. Can't wait.
If only, Jets fans
It was, of course, the New York Giants who won Super Bowl XXV.
I'm pretty sure I'd be the CEO of a Fortune 500 company if the Jets won a Super Bowl in my lifetime. I feel like it would change the entire arc of my existence. The Jets would have instilled a confidence in me as a boy that would have carried over to all endeavors. In reality, one time my quarterback ran into another guy's butt and fumbled.
A spooky sight in the Cleveland suburbs
Then there's the fan who ranked every Browns loss since the team re-entered the NFL in 1999. All 178 of 'em.
I hope the Browns are one day good again. But if that ever happens, I'm sure I'll start to miss how good they were at being bad.
Quote of the Week
"It only happened twice."
-- Former Texans quarterback Ryan Mallett, when asked why he'd been repeatedly late for team meetings.
Nothing like a McClain meltdown
Few things bring me more joy than tracking the Twitter feed of Houston Chronicle stalwart John McClain when another Texans season starts to hit the fan. Last Sunday was like a perfect storm: The Texans took a historical first-half whooping from the Dolphins, set against the backdrop of Mallett's missed team flight.
First the calm before the storm ...
And then (probably around the time Miami went up 89-0 in the first quarter):
Salty Meter is rising ...
We've reached the Full Outrage part of the day ...
Oh man, all that and it was only 14-0????
Hang in there, John. You've still got Baylor football.
Until next time ...
