The Carolina Panthers partners gave Jerry Richardson a hell of an 80th birthday gift this week, unveiling a nearly-13-foot statue of the team's founding owner in front of Bank of America Stadium.
The statue is certainly impressive. Those cats look seriously cheesed off!
If NFL Media erects a statue in my honor one day -- IT COULD HAPPEN -- I'd want it to make Richardson's bronze effigy look quaint in comparison.
Let me paint the picture: I'd be shirtless, totally yolked, hoisting a more glorious version of Jon Snow's Valyrian steel to the sky. To the left will lay a deceased minotaur, slayed by yours truly. To the right, a second minotaur, probably the dead one's brother or best friend, who got the picture and is now totally subservient to his master. Behind me will fly a huge American flag. At my feet, a couple eternal flames, and ... hmmmmmmm ... oh, Vince Lombardi's ghost giving a thumbs up from on high.
The important thing here is you want to be tasteful.
Welcome to the Around The NFL End Around, a weekly look back at the world of the National Football League. Dan Hanzus serves as your guide.
Fitzfatrick? (nailed it)
Ryan Fitzpatrick and the Jets reportedly have not spoken in more than a month, forcing terrified Gang Green fans to confront the increasingly real possibility they might actually have to get back on the GenoCoaster.
That anxiety only heightened late Wednesday when this picture of Fitzmagic at a golf event in Lake Tahoe started making the rounds on Twitter. For a moment, the darkest timeline had emerged for Jets fans: Fitzpatrick was not only hopelessly adrift from his team but also taking on the form of a less funny, superiorly educated Zach Galifianakis.
Luckily, more footage quickly surfaced, revealing Fitzpatrick to be the victim of a bad camera angle, not a good buffet. One less concern for the beleaguered Jets fan in your life.
Barbershop Talk with Russell Wilson
Russell Wilson has wrapped oversharing on the specifics of his honeymoon with Ciara and is moving forward with all things related to the DangeRuss brand.
I watched all 27 minutes and 42 seconds of Wilson's latest Facebook Live "Barbershop Talk" because ... well ... I really don't have an explanation for it. Why does anybody do anything? It just ... happened. Don't you dare judge me.
Anyway, from the home office in Sioux City, Iowa, here are the top three lines from Barbershop Talk:
3. "Obviously, my lovely wife, she loves music, as well. I listen to her stuff."
2. "Al Pacino, respect brother. Al Pacino, we're still requesting you come to a game. I know we met each other in L.A. not too long ago and you're a huge, huge fan."
1. "My favorite movie of all-time is probably "Life." Eddie Murphy, Martin Lawrence, so many [good actors]. Bernie Mac's in the movie. Rest in peace, Bernie."
Oof ...
You're not in one of those terrible fantasy leagues that draft way too early are you?
Speaking of suspensions, we're a couple good O-linemen and an edge rusher away from building a bad boy superteam for the ages.
Bon Jovi Is A Sociopath, Part II
An unsolicited text from my buddy Jason on Jon Bon Jovi's latest DirecTV ad.
"It starts out great. He makes this kid suddenly strong and then immediately brings his dead Grandpa back to life so he can say goodbye but you see it on the kid's face. This is his greatest regret. His biggest albatross. He made him strong just to tear his guts out a split-second later. Bon Jovi is EVIL!!!!!!!!"
Thank you, Jay, and I'm glad to see I'm not alone in seeing through Bon Jovi's devil-may-care attitude toward the modern American family. And just to be clear, it is not OK to rip an old man out of the afterlife to make a point about the perceived superiority of satellite television over a traditional cable setup.
Bon Jovi doesn't care. He. Just. Doesn't. Care.
This is a bad tweet
Ricky Williams is an eternal champion
Williams planned to change his name to Rio Don, switch his jersey number from 34 to 21 and sign with the same Raiders team he admired in the airport. Man, the world needs more Ricky Williams right now.
Tweet Of The Week
Charles Tillman forced more fumbles at the cornerback position than anyone in the history of the game. Here's "Peanut" having fun with his reputation in a retirement video posted this week. You can have your pensive, overwrought farewell essays on The Players' Tribune -- I'm in it for the funny.
Quote of the Week
*"If I wasn't playing him twice a year, maybe people wouldn't bring it up as much. But now it'll be a lot more media attention for him, attention that I don't really look for, attention I don't really need. The reason that he's become so relevant is because of me." *
-- Giants wide receiver (and eternal Josh Norman adversary) Odell Beckham Jr.
I literally chortled when I first read the "I don't really look for" attention line. Odell. Come back to us.
Hero of the Week: Dennis Green
Sports, like life, can be cruel. Denny Green, who passed away suddenly at the age of 67 on Friday, deserved more time on this planet. He also deserved a better football fate.
If Gary Anderson doesn't go wide left in the 1998 NFC Championship Game, I believe -- and I'm far from alone in this sentiment -- the Vikings would have knocked off the defending-champion Broncos in Super Bowl XXXIII and put themselves on the short list of the best teams ever.
Said Green: "I think if we would have beaten Atlanta and if we would have gone on and beaten the Denver Broncos that we would have been called the greatest team in the National Football League the last 25 years."
It wasn't meant to be, and Green never got that close again. But Green's legacy goes beyond one cursed afternoon at the Metrodome. He was an innovator, trailblazer, and to hear Randall Cunningham explain it, an all-around special dude.
Oh, and the genius behind the greatest podium rant the game has ever seen.
Until next time ...
