It's taken awhile, but here we are with the inaugural post of our new weekly column, The Fifth Down. Okay, in all honesty this is just the rebranded Unexpected/Expected piece we've run the last few years. A new name and a fancy new article decorator are all that have changed. The comedy (or failed attempts at comedy) will remain the same. This column is all about highlighting the humorous side of Sundays (and occasionally Thursdays) in the NFL. Rather than dissect X's and O's, we'll be dissecting the likes of Butt Fumbles, celebration fails, gaffes, follies, and everything in between. So hold onto your hats - it's Fifth Down.
Fair catch kick
The Thursday Night Football games this year have been, to put it gently, as entertaining as a network comedy lineup this fall. And this week's affair was no different, as the 49ers and Rams battled throughout the first half to prove who could look more inept at the game they get paid millions of dollars to play. Harbaugh decided to gingerly set down the gauntlet, by digging through the rule book and attempting... a fair catch kick? The 71-yard attempt sadly fell short. Afterward, Sam Bradford was befuddled on the sideline trying to find what the heck just happened.
Big Benalmost saved the Queen
Speaking of disappointing games, the NFL's annual trip to London has been a bit underwhelming in recent years. In August the NFL looked like geniuses, as Pittsburgh vs. Minnesota seemed like a dream matchup. That was until September rolled around and both teams started out 0-3. Well, as fate would have it, the game was in fact fantastic, with Big Ben leading a comeback charge down the field with no timeouts, only to get sacked and stripped in the red zone. Thankfully now we have another month before getting beaten senseless with "London calling" puns and headlines. Until the rest of the media gets some better London allusions, they'll all just look like a fool on the hill.
Suh/Fairley chest-bump fail
Remember all that "best defensive-tackle duo" blather Fairley was spouting in the offseason? Well, it appears the kid from Auburn wasn't joking, as he and Suh pushed around the Bears offensive line all day in a 40-32 win that was more of a whooping than the score lets on. The only thing beat up worse than the Bears? Suh's ego when Fairley chest-bumped him into submission after his touchdown. Suh said afterwards, "The belly overtook everything." As it likely does wherever it goes.
Eli Manning throws a punt
The Giants have had their struggles so far this season. That's a common knowledge. Plays like this one (watch it to the right) aren't making things any easier. Call it a miscommunication, call it frustration, call it the wind. Whatever it was, it was as if this pass was intended... for Jadaveon Clowney. The Giants are now resting (un)comfortably at 0-4, and are leading the charge for the first pick in the 2014 NFL Draft.
Coming to a theater near you... Brown and out: The Brian Hoyer story
Shortly after jettisoning their "best offensive player" in Trent Richardson to the Colts and starting Brian Hoyer (huh?) in place of an injured Brandon Weeden, it appeared as if the factory of sadness was tanking the 2013 season in hopes of securing their QB of the future in the 2014 NFL Draft. Or were they? By swapping in hometown hero Hoyer, the Browns have discovered a spark on offense that has led to two straight wins, and put them in a tie for the division lead (just as we all predicted before the season started, no?). If Hoyer can continue a little more of this magic (25 for 38 passing, two touchdowns) the Browns just might have found what they lost around the time of the final whistle of the 1989 AFC championship game. Hope.
Geno Smith wishes he was a little bit taller... and perhaps a baller
After sneaking out a few wins and instilling a small amount of confidence in their fanbase, the Jets looked spectacularly Jet-like in their 31-6 obliteration by the Tennessee Titans. Clearly, Geno and Mark spent sometime in the meeting room as Geno threw two interceptions, lost two fumbles, and took a sack that should have been a safety. The lowlight was certainly Geno trying to pull a Chris Paul and go behind the back on Karl Klug, giving Klug his first NFL touchdown in the process. That sound you heard Sunday afternoon was the collective face palm of a million Jets fans.
The NFL has run out of third round draft picks to start over Matt Flynn
Matt Flynn, the perennial QB 2, finally got his chance to shine in Oakland with Terrelle Pryor sidelined with a concussion. Unfortunately for Flynn, he laid an absolute egg against a defense that appeared as if it would struggle to stop the Play 60 Kid. Flynn threw an interception, lost a fumble, and looked generally lost throughout the 24-14 defeat at the hands of the Redskins. Thankfully for Flynn, he won't be as lost next week when he returns to the bench.
Fantasy Football sacrificial lamb of the week: Stevie Johnson
Football players really don't give a insert expletive here about your fantasy team. So I'm going to use this space each week to honor a player who fell on the proverbial fantasy sword to help his actual team earn a victory. The first ever winner is... Stevie Johnson! Johnson registered a paltry negative 0.1 points in the Bills23-20 triumph over the defending Super Bowl champion Baltimore Ravens. He was held to just one catch for minus one yard, but he earned this award by falling on EJ Manuel's potential game-losing fumble in the fourth quarter. Johnson didn't selfishly try and pick it up and gain the first down. He did what it took to win, at the expense of fantasy teams across the nation. Congratulations, Stevie!
Follow Alex on Twitter @AlexGelhar
