What we are talking about:
Tarik Cohen
Talk about "FLEX" appeal
Trevor Siemian
Can we trust him against the Bills?
Wrestlemania wish list
It's never too early ...
Bobby the Brain Heenan truly was one of the greatest ever at his profession. I've always skewed towards the heels, I don't know what that says about me (actually, I do, I'm a jerk). Nobody did it better than Bobby the Brain. Just a quick wit and everything he ever touched turned to gold. He was the king of taking dumb segments and making them gold. I would imagine the stuff he was pitched started off awful, but Heenan made it sing.
This might surprise you, but I wasn't popular as a young man. And I spent a great amount of time watching professional wrestling. Some might say nothing has really changed in my life. But I loved listening to The Brain. He talked the way you wanted to talk to people. Shouted down those loudmouths who really needed to be shut down.
Because that's the thing. The Brain was pretty much always right. One of the most annoying things of wrestling is that the good guys often act like the biggest jerks. Look at Hulk Hogan during his glory run. He was always a rule breaker. The majority of his offense was a closed fist. Which is ILLEGAL. It's like if you were a Hall of Fame receiver and most of your offensive moves consisted of pushing off the opposing defender. Oh wait, that was Michael Irvin.
The Brain always called out the "good guys" on their B.S. He referred to us as humanoids because we cheered Hogan when he raked an opponent's eyes, but got mad when Ric Flair did it. (Well, you not me.) He was right. And he was never more right than Bash at the Beach in 1996. If you ever listen to heel announcers, like JBL, they always back the heels. No matter what. But the Brain was having none of it when Hulk Hogan became Hollywood Hogan at the Bash.
And I know a lot of you guys are going to be all, "but he spoiled it screaming, 'but whose side is he on?'" He didn't. Mostly because he doubled-down on it. And that was just the kind of (expletive) the Brain did. (Besides, I still expected HBK to come down as the third man to join them. This was before the dirt sheets and my parent's cable barely worked so it's not like I was able to read spoilers like you can now. You kids are spoiled.)
The best part of the night was when Heenan was able to take his victory lap as the crowd pelted Hogan, Scott Hall and Kevin Nash with debris. "What have I been saying all of these years?"
You were speaking the truth, Brain. That's what you were doing.
Thank you all for the indulgence to write about this stuff in a fantasy football column. But honestly, I'm not sure this is what I would have done with my life had I not watched Heenan as a kid.
And if you take one thing away from all of this, don't give up on Jordan Howard.
And without further ado ...
And by top QB, that means I'm starting him over everyone. Yep, even that guy. Don't @ me.
Kirk Cousins has been a disappointment so far this season. But I'm not giving up. He just needs time with Terrelle Pryor. It's a process. Oh, and Chris Thompson had a brutal drop that would have been a 65-yard touchdown. Thompson makes that catch, and all is right with the world.
Jameis Winston has struggled against top NFL defenses. He is 1-6 with nine touchdowns, 15 interceptions and a 66.2 passer rating against top-10 defenses. I have him just outside the top 12. I'm willing to roll with him this week because this offense is so different with DeSean Jackson.
Carson Wentz has become more aggressive recently. And he's good at it, too. Wentz led all passers as he averaged 24.4 air yards per completion. Keep slinging it!
I tried to stream Jay Cutler this week, but he was already added in most leagues. Seriously. I guess that means four touchdowns for Jay Ajayi. The Jets have allowed four rushing TDs this year.
Image I really like Roman Reigns promo against John Cena this week. It was like one of those things where you bring back somebody's words from their past to haunt them. Man, I always love that. Here Reigns brings up Cena's words to the Rock back from their WrestleMania run a few years ago. I liked it. I guess Cena really is going because he's jobbing his way out the door.
Image Check out the WWE tribute to Bobby the Brain Heenan. I'm not crying, you're crying.
Dalvin Cook gets stronger as the game goes on. And don't fool yourself into thinking he struggled last week. Cook should have been awarded that touchdown. I'm still sick over it.
Kareem Hunt had gained more than twice as many scrimmage yards (355 to 139) and scored more than twice as many touchdowns (five to two) than Ezekiel Elliott at this point last year.
Le'Veon Bell has averaged 3.2 yards per carry this season. So, of course, he's going to have a monster game against my Bears. I've resigned myself to this.
Ty Montgomery's development into an all-around back, including his work in pass protection, has been one of the most impressive things this season. He leads NFL RBs in snaps (124).
Chris Thompson should be played in PPR leagues. He's not going to see increased touches. But he's clearly on a hot-streak right now and worth starting against the Raiders.
I'm not 100 percent sure if Derrick Henry is ready for a hostile takeover. But he's an absolute must-start if DeMarco Murray can't go this week. And I'm not scared about Seattle's D which gave up 100 rushing yards to Carlos Hyde. (Not that Hyde's bad. But Titans O > Frisco O.)
I've kept the Ravens D/ST in my lineup this week. But they have worked the Bengals and Browns. The NFL's version of Madden on "Easy" mode. Leonard Fournette should give some insight into just how good this defense really is.
Chris Carson out-snapped all of his teammates in Week 2 when he rushed for 93 yards. More impressive, he saw a loaded box 70 percent of the time. I'm starting him this week.
Tarik Cohen should have a good return this week. Jordan Howard is injured, so this is a concern. Cohen should see tons of targets if the team falls behind. Kendall Wright also plays in PPR.
Image Hey man, I love the show "Ballers" and I don't care who knows. I love The Rock, but Rob Corddry makes that show. (And am I wrong to love loving his suit in those Pepsi Commercials? But I'm a big fan, and I have to believe Jim Bob Cooter has to be a fan since he was a plot-point in a recent episode. Nothing says "you've made it" more than being in a Rock dramedy.
Keenan Allen has been one of the most consistent fantasy receivers this season. The Chiefs have allowed the fourth-most receiving yards this year.
Mike Evans draws Xavier Rhodes this week. And I would never think to bench Evans. But I'm giving a big upgrade to DeSean Jackson this week.
The Raiders seemed determined to make Amari Cooper a thing near the goal line. Last week, Derek Carr was all (expletive) it and went to Michael Crabtree exclusively. I like that.
Carson Palmer has pushed the ball down the field pretty well this year. He's averaged 6.5 deep passes (20-plus yards) this year, up from 4.5. I'd feel good with last week's Danger Zone guy, J.J. Nelson.
Kelvin Benjamin has battled injuries this week. If you're looking for a sneaky play, check out Devin Funchess. Though I would expect a Christian McCaffrey breakout.
Adam Thielen should thrive out of the slot if Sam Bradford is a go. Don't be too worried about last week. I'd also go with Stefon Diggs, too. Even though he has a tougher matchup.
Jarvis Landry is the most dominant in a PPR league, but DeVante Parker was the dude Jay Cutler looked for when he wanted to go downfield.
Am I wrong to think DeAndre Hopkins is going to be peppered with targets this week? I'm in.
If you have Gronk, like me, pick up Coby Fleener. If he's gone. Benjamin Watson. He's gone? Zach Miller. He's gone? Jared Cook. He's gone? Seth DeValve.
Image Congratulations to Big Brother winner Josh. He out-smarted Paul at the end. I know a lot of you in my mentions believe Paul deserved to win. Deserve has nothing to do with it. The Falcons deserved to win the Super Bowl last year, but you have to finish. Paul's jury management was terrible (which led to a salty jury). If he had been upfront with them prior to eviction and did a better job of explaining his gameplay, he would have won. He thought he was going to Derrick his way through and he would be beloved. He's clearly no Derrick. He's not even Mike Boogey.
Image And good news, there is a celebrity edition of Big Brother starting soon. I suppose my invitation will be coming soon because I would be perfect.
Deshaun Watson had some nice moves last Thursday. But damn, rookie quarterbacks at New England are 0-8 with five touchdowns, 16 picks and a 50.7 passer rating. Which isn't good.
But Rank, you said Nuk Hopkins was good! I did. Watson could struggle but still give Nuke 6-68-1 and I'd be cool with that.
Dak Prescott and Dez Bryant seem like one of those Craigslist Missed Connections listings because the dudes haven't been on the same page all year. (And for the record, I had Matt Harmon explain "Missed Connections" to me.) Prescott has thrown two picks when he targets Bryant with a 29.1 passer rating.
Trevor Siemian is 5-0 with a 100.2 passer rating in September during his career. He's been great. Worth rostering. But this Bills defense has looked pretty good, which keeps him out of QB1 discussion this week.
The Giants have scored just 13 points this year. Eli Manning said he has deserved criticism for the team's play. But it's not like he's the general manager who put together that offensive line. Don't be so hard on yourself. But yeah, don't start this guy until this is fixed.
Andy Dalton has been the third-worst quarterback against the blitz this season, with a passer rating of 43.2. The Packers could dial up more blitzes as they feel more comfortable with rookie corner Kevin King. I hate seeing the Packers with a rangy, decent corner for a change.
I'm not sure if King is going to shadow A.J. Green. But the receiver's breakout game could be postponed for a week. (Not like I'm benching him or anything.)
BTW, do you think Bill O'Brien was sitting on the Texans sideline last week just wishing he could bench Dalton? Like damn, that must have bummed him so much. Like he was probably yelling at Marvin Lewis all, "Hey Marvin, what are you doing? Bench him. I would!"
Image My favorite story this week was A.J. McCarron who told the fans to totally get off Dalton's back and support the team. In other words, McCarron was all, "dude, I don't want to play behind that (expletive) line. Shut up, fans." And I get that. To me, being a backup QB is the greatest job ever. You never get hit in practice. You're a quarterback. And everyone thinks you're great. I'd love to be a backup to a dude who never comes out of the game. I'd be on the sidelines tweeting and having a good time. Like Jaime Foxx in "Any Given Sunday" and whatnot.
All right, you know the deal by now. I poop on Melvin Gordon, he comes out and dominates your fantasy league. What a strange game for him last week. But he just continues to put up fantasy points. I continue to die on this hill. But if you know anything about me, this shouldn't be a surprise.
Rex Burkhead had a great game when I put him in the dislikes, so he stays in this ledger this week, too.
My latest pupil needs to be Jordan Howard. All of you can take your victory lap about Howard now. But he's hurt. Kyle Long hasn't returned. And Mitchell Goatbisky hasn't started yet either. So laugh it up, jokesters. But when you drop him on the waiver and I'm riding him to a fantasy championship, you'll be the one chagrined.
Mark Ingram out-snapped everybody so far in the Saints backfield. But he's struggled against the Panthers in the past. And Carolina is playing pretty angry.
Don't assume Isaiah Crowell has some sort of great matchup. The Colts defense has been better against the run.
I'm so glad I was able to avoid Lamar Miller this year in fantasy. I don't have him on a single team. At some point, the Texans won't have him in the starting lineup. D'Onta Foreman is real.
I let somebody talk me into taking Bilal Powell in one of my leagues. Thankfully, it was like the ninth-round. But good lord. Look for Elijah McGuire to take over.
ImageI would normally be pretty excited for Nakamura going for the title. But I really hate the angle they have going. I mean, as Brandon Stroud pointed out, the WWE has set up a pretty clever motivation for Jinder going into the match. But he also points out, the WWE doesn't quite have a history with pulling off clever angles. I'm willing to give everybody the benefit of the doubt as long as this happens: Jinder holds on to the belt until the Royal Rumble. Nakamura (currently my daughter's favorite wrestler) then beats Jinder for the title at the RR. A.J. Styles wins the Rumble. Then Nakamura and Styles wrestle a New Japan-style match at 'Mania and steal the dog damn show. Also, I might go this year, seeing that it's in New Orleans.
T.Y. Hilton does have a pretty decent enough matchup. I'm still out as long as Andrew Luck is out.
Marvin Jones Jr. is a touchdown machine. But he' too touchdown dependent for me. I also have Kenny Golladay on my bench.
Alshon Jeffery made me look like a butt last week. I broke up with him on Good Morning Football Weekend (please watch) but he had a nice game. The Giants have been tough on No. 1's, and if Janoris Jenkins is back, forget about it.
Image Can Arizona State just hire Chip Kelly already? I know there's some thought he could end up with UCLA if Jim Mora doesn't make it. But I feel like Mora is there for the long haul. But the Devils, with Chip Kelly, would be pretty damn exciting. Make it so!
Image BTW, huge win for USC. I was so stoked for it. Mostly because we get free Dunkin Donuts coffee in Southern California when the Trojans win. That's right, coffee has made me a full-blown USC fan. Fight on! (All right, Dunkin coffee is pretty great but I'm going to walk back that fight on because it's unsettling.)
Jimmy Graham is battling an ankle injury. I have a feeling people will drop him in a few weeks and then he's going to go off.
The Cincinnati Reds have scored more than the Bengals so far this season. Joey Votto and the Reds have averaged 4.7 points per game. Andy Dalton and the Bengals have scored at a 4.5 clip.
I finally had to cut Younghoe Koo all over the place. I love him. But it just hasn't been working out. And dude, how is the dude who shot off the LA Chargers cannon when Koo missed a potential winning kick not already in his own Southwest commercial?
Follow Adam Rank on Twitter @adamrank.
