I'm sorry, Houston Texans. It's not you, it's me.
Same goes for you, Lions and Dolphins. I feel like Grade-A heel jumping ship at your respective low points, but at some point, I have my own dignity to consider. I just can't continue to be haunted by the voice of a bemused Jim Mora any longer. "Playoffs?" What was I thinking?
Miami taking down the Pats in the AFC East?! The Texans over Indy in the South?!! The Lions winning a division that includes Aaron Rodgers?!!! I'd laugh, but I'm too ashamed. The August heat must've made me light-headed. I realize now it was unfair for me to expect you to be something you're not.
Don't worry: You'll land on your feet.
Maybe.
OK, no more lies: You're finished. See you in 2016. Well, some of you. To the rest, I wish you the best of luck in your future professional endeavors. (The line starts behind Joe Philbin.)
Please do me a favor and pass this news along to J.J., who I assume is too busy shooting another commercial or eight to hear it directly from me. And please tell the Lions QB that playing well for three minutes isn't enough in a 60-minute game. And please advise Suh to kick himself in his own butt. And please give my best to Jadeveon if he ever shows up.
Sincerely,
Football Baby's Less Successful Dad
P.S. Football Baby is now 9-2 on the season, 40-14 lifetime. His powers are sadly not hereditary.
Let's get to the games.
WARNING: Do NOT continue reading if you don't want to know the final scores of the Week 5 games.
(0-1 this week, 7-8 last week, 37-27 on the season)
SEAHAWKS 18
BENGALS 16
J. Graham: 90 yds, TD
T. Eifert: 35-yd TD rec
'SKINS 24
FALCONS 26
M. Jones: 80 yds, 2 TDs
V. Beasley: 2.5 sacks
BROWNS 6
RAVENS 9
CLE O: 240 yds/scrimmage
BAL O: 260 yds/scrimmage
SAINTS 23
EAGLES 29
M. Ingram: 120 yds, TD
J. Matthews: 110 yds, 2 TDs
BEARS 16
CHIEFS 40
M. Forte: Still underappreciated
J. Maclin: 2 TDs
RAMS 20
PACKERS 22
T. Gurley: 105 yds, TD
R. Cobb: 106 yds, TD
JAGS 23
BUCS 28
A. Robinson: 6 rec, 120 yds, TD
M. Evans: 8 rec, 130 yds, TD
BILLS 19
TITANS 13
BUF D: 7 sacks
B. Sankey: 50-yd TD rec
CARDS 20
LIONS 24
M. Floyd: 90 yds, TD
R. Mathis: 60-yd INT TD
PATRIOTS 38
COWBOYS 21
R. Gronkowski: 2 TDs
J. Witten: 2 TDs
BRONCOS 17
RAIDERS 10
D. Thomas: 130 yds, TD
A. Cooper: 50 yds, TD
NINERS 23
GIANTS 34
T. Smith: 65-yd TD
E. Manning: 3 TDs, 2 INTs
STEELERS 31
CHARGERS 29
A. Brown: 7 rec, 125 yds, TD
K. Allen: 9 rec, 130 yds, TD
Enjoy Week 5! I hope your team wins (unless they're playing my team).
Follow Dave Dameshek on Twitter @Dameshek.
